1. Label their feelings rather than people or situations: " I feel hurt and frustrated" vs. “you are inconsiderate/selfish…”
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings: “My perception is…my interpretation is… my view is… How it occurs for me is..." “I feel angry/hurt/sad…
3. Own and take responsibility for their feelings: “I feel hurt/frustrated/jealous..vs. “ "You are making me…” did/said… and “How would I feel if I don’t…"
4. Use their feelings to help them make decisions: “How would I feel if I did/said... How would I feel if I didn't?"
5. They respect other people’s feelings: “How will he/she/they feel if I… and “What would be the impact of my actions/words on other(s)? " what is my intention in..."
6. Feel energized/motivated/aroused (not angry): They use what others call “anger” to motivate themselves, to become energized to take proactive/productive action.
7. Validate other people’s feelings: They show empathy, understanding, compassion and acceptance for other people’s feelings and circumstances. "I understand how you feel." vs. "You shouldn't feel this way."
8. They practice getting positive value/ learning from their negative emotions: “What am I feeling?" "What is going on with me?" "What can I do to feel better?” They seek clarity and understanding: “What are you feeling?" "What is going on for you?" "What can you do?" "What do you need to feel better?” " What can I do to help myself?"
9. They don’t give advise without being asked, nor do they command, criticize, judge or point a finger at others: They ask permission to provide feedback, they use “I” statements when they share their opinions, and they take ownship for their feelings and experiences.
10. They avoid people who invalidate them or disrespect them and their feelings: As much as possible they associate with other emotionally intelligent people.