In his book The Developing Mind, Daniel J. Siegel explains that the infant’s brain shapes and forms through a process that occurs mainly as a result of the quality of the relationship between the infant and the primary care-giver(s). As a result of the emotional experiences between the infant and the primary care giver, neural pathways develop and form, contributing to the development of our sense of self-worth and sense of self in relationship, thus holding the memory of our early relational templates and patterns of behavior. Infants easily make their feelings known. Whether it is pain, fear, anger, joy, or dislike, infants communicate their needs to their caregiver, on whom they completely depend for their survival needs. Daniel Siegel speaks about the “feeling of being felt,” which he refers to as the infant’s experience of deeply and intensely felt emotions, and derived from the emotional relationship the infant experiences with the primary caregiver. This feeling of being felt initially depends on non-verbal communication, and later on verbal communication, timing of response, tone of voice, touch, body language, intensity, humor, facial expressions, sound, posture, playfulness, and so forth. These early emotional experiences with the primary care-giver alter and shape the infant’s brain and set our emotional and behavioral life-long relational templates. According to researcher and author Dr. Daniel Goleman, ( Emotional Intelligence, Social Intelligence, and Working with Emotional Intelligence) these early emotional experiences with the major care takers are the basis for our emotional intelligence and the future of our adult relational and social life. As such, all relationships are emotionally based, and the only way to enhance relational effectiveness is to develop emotional competence, which will enable us to create more fulfilling, meaningful, and long lasting relational experiences.
Dr. Daniel Goleman brought to light the significant role that emotions play in every aspect of our lives and, more specifically, in our relationship to ourselves, to others and to the environment in which we live. The development of Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Competence have lead to effective management of self and self-in-relationship, which result in high performance in our work and in our relational life.
There was a time when I.Q. (Intelligence Quotient,) was considered, recognized, and valued as the primary factor contributing to one’s success in personal, relational, and professional life. Recent advancements in brain scanning technology have enabled us to determine the significance of the emotional part of the brain, and the consequence of damage/deficiency to this part of the brain, even when the intellectual part, the neo-cortex, remains intact. It is evident that, despite the continued ability to function well intellectually, those with damage or deficiency to the emotional centers of the brain lose their ability to make good decisions, to interact appropriately with others, to plan ahead, and to function effectively in the real world. It is now clearer than ever that the emotional and intellectual parts of the brain interact and supplement one another for successful satisfying living. As research and increased knowledge of the brain continue to grow, more so than ever we realize that messages from our senses are directly linked to the emotional part of our brain, and that prior to moving to the rational part of the brain, they are first processed by the amygdala, the emotional survival memory bank and the brain’s gate-keeper. As such, these emotional experiences complement the process of rational thinking and decision making. This might be one explanation as to why IQ may not be a guarantee for overall success in every aspect of life. For instance, people who have a high IQ may not necessarily be successful in their relational life: While a high IQ may get you a distinguished academic degree, a great job, a great partner, and social connections, emotional and social intelligence (Emotional Quotient) will enable you to become and stay successful and satisfied in the various aspects of your life. Emotionally intelligent and competent people are self-aware, self-confident, know their self-worth, and are emotionally resilient. They have the ability to successfully recognize and manage their own emotions, are cognizant of their own impact on others, have empathy for the feelings of others and acceptance of individual differences. They are self motivated to make changes that will help them and others develop and grow and, they are capable of controlling impulses and delaying gratification. They are generally positive and optimistic and are masterful in interpersonal relationships.
Relational Resilience Coaching will enable you to enhance your emotional and social competencies, develop resilience and, by that, help you achieve greater satisfaction and fulfillment in your personal, professional, and relational life.